Goodbye

At 4PM on Tuesday, June 7th with his usual calm, Dash left this world with a gentle and final breath under the care of Dr. Fine at the Claremont Veterinary Hospital. I'm not sure what to write. No words can capture the love, the sorrow, the heart wrenching pain or the empty place that fills my heart where Dash used to reside. I would give anything to bury my face in his fur, kiss his nose and nibble his ears again. That it was time I don't question. So for now I morn his passing and visit the places we once shared and feel his presence in every way I can through memories which while sad are sweet and dear. That's all for now. A few photos of our last day with Dash.

Lots of this... sitting with him as he rested. More breaks, more frequent...

One of the sweetest things in Dashes care was Kathleen's grooming. So gentle. He would fall asleep in her care

While I'm sure Kathleen did this often it was the first time I noticed her lean over to embrace him. A final walk  which he greatly enjoyed at Point Isabel

A bit of merriment. He showed his zeal for life all the way to the end of it

The alligator had no chance. Once of Dash's favorite games was the destruction of stuffed animals. 

Counter surfing while always a game he relished, was typically not allowed. On Monday night he shredded... and was well rewarded for his efforts with a stream of tasty cheese and other treats 

Slowing down

Dash finally is outwardly manifesting his illness in more tangible ways. We still visit the dog park (we like both Joaquin Miller and the one in Alameda) and he's pleased as punch to be there but doesn't seem to have any umph. No romps, no mad dashes, no bowing and playing. Just smiles and grins, lots of panting and occasional barking sprees to see if he can generate some interest from either dogs at play or me on a chair. Watching. Waiting. Wondering.

For the first time I felt mad. I looked at him and he's glorious and beautiful and while he's all skin and bones, his majesty still is preeminent in my eyes. So why is he sick now when he should be in the prime of his life? This anger is followed by sadness and then by my will to be present with him each day that I have him. To relish each day whatever sort of day it is for the little man.

After a short walk in the hills with Don on a rainy day, Dash snuggles up. Nice.

At "play" in the dog park. "It's nice here" he says "I think I'll relax and eat some tasty dirt"

This is a bit out of context but it's so great. Taken by Stephanie Felch. The boy is focused on everything coming his way. Stephanie titled it "Speedin'" Ain't that the truth... 

We return

I'm not sure why I haven't written anything for a while. I suppose part of it was that Dash was doing so well. It's interesting that strife brings forth creation. Plato talks about the divine madness of art and this seems to be somewhat a permutation of that. When I fear his loss, I write, when he's well I don't.

Dash came down about a week ago with a bad case of diarrhea. We thought we had it licked after a trip to the vet and a diet of chicken, rice and pasta but it's returned. We hope to avoid having to take him off the Petmedin which solved the loose poo problem the first time. He's gaunt and thin again which doesn't seem to affect his joyful and playful nature but his boniness saddens me deeply. I fear the blackberries I see in bloom will bear bitter fruit if he's not here to walk with me as I pick them in the Summer.

I wax moribund... he's a joy. I took him to Crissy field yesterday where he as always would have stayed the night if left to his own devices. He also was unflappable by the windsurfer sails and kites which was remarkable as they used to cause him great alarm. A few shots of the beautiful boy on a very blustery day.

A windy day at the beach

Relaxing out of the wind

Sunset

Dash and I made our way to Alameda to catch the sunset on Wednesday since the house was stifling and the beach seemed like the place to cool down and enjoy some fresh air. He's doing well but I continue to worry as I watch his chest rise and fall to what seems to be the ceaseless staccato beat of disease and decay. Is it laborious or is he just hot? Why didn't he eat his kibble? Is he peeing enough? Is he resting or weary of life? The tension and anxiety between being with him and enjoying each moment or worrying over what the next one will bring is a reflection of my life and my relationship to all its permutations. The struggle between what is and what I project is constant. The exercise of being with and caring for Dash an intense way to connect with both.

Happy boy

He could stay at the beach for hours

At the cemetary

Dash came home from his walkies with Don a bit on the muddy side so I decided to take him for an early evening stroll and then a bath... We went to the Mountain View cemetery which was designed by Fredrick Olmsted and is a real beauty with views of San Francisco and the bay, lots of trees and just plain peaceful all around. At one point Dash did his mule impression and wouldn't budge which got me all tied up in knots. Was he done and telling me that his time was at hand? I calmed down and got some peace around his journey toward death and thanked him again.. he's always teaching me stuff. Or I'm learning things from him. Or he's just having a good time and I'm along for the ride... hard to say but it's an amazing journey with the "little man".

Relaxing in the shade

Reluctant or just slacking?

The River or "Rah Riv-Vahh" (Dash speak)

Dash had another great weekend on the river. A bit too much time sitting around while Brian, Stephanie and Chris monkeyed around with projects at the house but there was fun to be had all the same... let the pictures do the talking... woof.

Dash or... "the hippo" cooling off in the Russian River at Monte Rio

Dash and Uly... does it get any better? Wright's beach on Saturday afternoon

No sweeter boy than our little man.... 

We made it...

I can now confess that my only goal over the last couple of weeks was simply to keep Dash alive till Kathleen got home. The impending dread has passed as the boy is doing remarkably well but it was tough there particularly the first week when I didn't have his medication worked out, he wasn't eating, he wet himself at night and I was pretty much a wreck myself.

Dash and I are both doing much better. I weighed him today at Happy Hound and he's up to a blissful 145lbs a full 7lbs more than he was at his worse and up 3lbs from last week alone. Folks at HH commented that he seems much happier as did Don yesterday after his walkies... I still panic inside when he shuns his food or fusses over his medication but it's good for me to remember that the boy is still sick and that I'll ultimately have to deal with his demise and that it will really suck.

For now, we're good. It's river bound again this weekend. He's in great spirits and is nothing but fun to be with. One day at a time, huh, puppy?

Dash relaxes out back.... it's hard being a puppy.... note the ditch on his left... an escape attempt?

Dash continues to relax... after his last break.... perhaps conserving his strength for an upcoming nap