Goodbye

At 4PM on Tuesday, June 7th with his usual calm, Dash left this world with a gentle and final breath under the care of Dr. Fine at the Claremont Veterinary Hospital. I'm not sure what to write. No words can capture the love, the sorrow, the heart wrenching pain or the empty place that fills my heart where Dash used to reside. I would give anything to bury my face in his fur, kiss his nose and nibble his ears again. That it was time I don't question. So for now I morn his passing and visit the places we once shared and feel his presence in every way I can through memories which while sad are sweet and dear. That's all for now. A few photos of our last day with Dash.

Lots of this... sitting with him as he rested. More breaks, more frequent...

One of the sweetest things in Dashes care was Kathleen's grooming. So gentle. He would fall asleep in her care

While I'm sure Kathleen did this often it was the first time I noticed her lean over to embrace him. A final walk  which he greatly enjoyed at Point Isabel

A bit of merriment. He showed his zeal for life all the way to the end of it

The alligator had no chance. Once of Dash's favorite games was the destruction of stuffed animals. 

Counter surfing while always a game he relished, was typically not allowed. On Monday night he shredded... and was well rewarded for his efforts with a stream of tasty cheese and other treats 

Slowing down

Dash finally is outwardly manifesting his illness in more tangible ways. We still visit the dog park (we like both Joaquin Miller and the one in Alameda) and he's pleased as punch to be there but doesn't seem to have any umph. No romps, no mad dashes, no bowing and playing. Just smiles and grins, lots of panting and occasional barking sprees to see if he can generate some interest from either dogs at play or me on a chair. Watching. Waiting. Wondering.

For the first time I felt mad. I looked at him and he's glorious and beautiful and while he's all skin and bones, his majesty still is preeminent in my eyes. So why is he sick now when he should be in the prime of his life? This anger is followed by sadness and then by my will to be present with him each day that I have him. To relish each day whatever sort of day it is for the little man.

After a short walk in the hills with Don on a rainy day, Dash snuggles up. Nice.

At "play" in the dog park. "It's nice here" he says "I think I'll relax and eat some tasty dirt"

This is a bit out of context but it's so great. Taken by Stephanie Felch. The boy is focused on everything coming his way. Stephanie titled it "Speedin'" Ain't that the truth... 

We return

I'm not sure why I haven't written anything for a while. I suppose part of it was that Dash was doing so well. It's interesting that strife brings forth creation. Plato talks about the divine madness of art and this seems to be somewhat a permutation of that. When I fear his loss, I write, when he's well I don't.

Dash came down about a week ago with a bad case of diarrhea. We thought we had it licked after a trip to the vet and a diet of chicken, rice and pasta but it's returned. We hope to avoid having to take him off the Petmedin which solved the loose poo problem the first time. He's gaunt and thin again which doesn't seem to affect his joyful and playful nature but his boniness saddens me deeply. I fear the blackberries I see in bloom will bear bitter fruit if he's not here to walk with me as I pick them in the Summer.

I wax moribund... he's a joy. I took him to Crissy field yesterday where he as always would have stayed the night if left to his own devices. He also was unflappable by the windsurfer sails and kites which was remarkable as they used to cause him great alarm. A few shots of the beautiful boy on a very blustery day.

A windy day at the beach

Relaxing out of the wind

Sunset

Dash and I made our way to Alameda to catch the sunset on Wednesday since the house was stifling and the beach seemed like the place to cool down and enjoy some fresh air. He's doing well but I continue to worry as I watch his chest rise and fall to what seems to be the ceaseless staccato beat of disease and decay. Is it laborious or is he just hot? Why didn't he eat his kibble? Is he peeing enough? Is he resting or weary of life? The tension and anxiety between being with him and enjoying each moment or worrying over what the next one will bring is a reflection of my life and my relationship to all its permutations. The struggle between what is and what I project is constant. The exercise of being with and caring for Dash an intense way to connect with both.

Happy boy

He could stay at the beach for hours

At the cemetary

Dash came home from his walkies with Don a bit on the muddy side so I decided to take him for an early evening stroll and then a bath... We went to the Mountain View cemetery which was designed by Fredrick Olmsted and is a real beauty with views of San Francisco and the bay, lots of trees and just plain peaceful all around. At one point Dash did his mule impression and wouldn't budge which got me all tied up in knots. Was he done and telling me that his time was at hand? I calmed down and got some peace around his journey toward death and thanked him again.. he's always teaching me stuff. Or I'm learning things from him. Or he's just having a good time and I'm along for the ride... hard to say but it's an amazing journey with the "little man".

Relaxing in the shade

Reluctant or just slacking?

The River or "Rah Riv-Vahh" (Dash speak)

Dash had another great weekend on the river. A bit too much time sitting around while Brian, Stephanie and Chris monkeyed around with projects at the house but there was fun to be had all the same... let the pictures do the talking... woof.

Dash or... "the hippo" cooling off in the Russian River at Monte Rio

Dash and Uly... does it get any better? Wright's beach on Saturday afternoon

No sweeter boy than our little man.... 

We made it...

I can now confess that my only goal over the last couple of weeks was simply to keep Dash alive till Kathleen got home. The impending dread has passed as the boy is doing remarkably well but it was tough there particularly the first week when I didn't have his medication worked out, he wasn't eating, he wet himself at night and I was pretty much a wreck myself.

Dash and I are both doing much better. I weighed him today at Happy Hound and he's up to a blissful 145lbs a full 7lbs more than he was at his worse and up 3lbs from last week alone. Folks at HH commented that he seems much happier as did Don yesterday after his walkies... I still panic inside when he shuns his food or fusses over his medication but it's good for me to remember that the boy is still sick and that I'll ultimately have to deal with his demise and that it will really suck.

For now, we're good. It's river bound again this weekend. He's in great spirits and is nothing but fun to be with. One day at a time, huh, puppy?

Dash relaxes out back.... it's hard being a puppy.... note the ditch on his left... an escape attempt?

Dash continues to relax... after his last break.... perhaps conserving his strength for an upcoming nap

More Sonoma...

Dash has shown some great spirit over the last few days. Playful and fun. thought I'd share a couple of shots that capture him well.

"A stick to chew and a river on which to romp"

This trip to Wright's Beach was simply fantastic. He romped and played with great zeal all afternoon

The River

The Russian River is a special place for Dash and for me too. I brought him up for the first time since he was diagnosed with cardiomyopathy and his excitement for the place was a joy to behold. Upright and focused from the moment we crossed the Richmond bridge we wound our way up stopping for ice cream at Carrs (or something that was cold and sweet that I liked but interestingly, Dash wouldn't touch) and dog food along the way.

Looking to see if I can wean Dash from being walked for his regular pee sessions I left the door open so he could come and go as he wished last night. I had a good night's sleep and then with a little trepidation, checked his bed and found him (YAY!) dry as could be.

Today is chowder, fires and relaxing. The boy is doing good today and so am I.

Making friends as only dogs do...

... the joy... settle down, Dash...

Not sure about the "ice cream" Dash still had a nice time at Carr's

A trip to the vet

Took Dash to see Dr. Fine at the Claremont Vet today. His heart sounds good. He's gained 5lbs since he came in with the runs... Still has the arrhythmia and the rest of it but it's steady and no worse. Dr. Fine was impressed with his condition. We had a very good chat and dash and I left in fine spirits.

"Do we have to go here?"

"I'm fine doc, really... now how about a treat?"

Wednesday seems like Monday or Tuesday

Wednesday 4/20: We've slipped into a good routine: sleepy walks throughout the night keeps dash dry and that's very good. I'm adjusting to the sleep weirdness and that's equally good. Up early for feeding and pills (aka: liverwurst covered "treats"). Off to doggie day care or lounging till his walker comes by. Lazy afternoons of sleeping followed by relaxing and rest. Dinner (grilled chicken, penne pasta and kibble made to order, please and thank you....). Lots of pats. Annoying grooming. Walkies (aka: peeing). Chew toy desecration and dismemberment. Rinse and repeat.

This weekend is Russian River with Brian, Stephanie and Uly. It's gonna be fun for a puppy.

A few good things

A day of good eating
Fun was had
The dog played

This picture captures him at his whimsical best
At ease in his element.
At play
Connected yet on his own
Twilight

Out back early evening doing chores...

Goodnight, Dash.

A day apart

I dropped Dash off at Happy Hound today without a second thought. That's odd. I picked him up an hour or so ago and we rode home with Dash elegant and sovereign in the back of the RAV.

All that's missing is his scepter...

Early evening now. My clothes are laid out for easy access when the late night runs begin. He's eaten. Not much with much interest though he did end up finishing a full meal with some hand feeding.... Royalty....  He's ensconced at my side, resting with paws crossed looking sporty in his new haircut. 

We take it one day at a time, Dash and I.

A rough day

9AM: After a night in the living room where I slept on my Areobed and Dash on his now moderately protected “dais” of beds I thought keeping a record of my time with Dash might be in order. By protection I mean that I have inserted a few plastic garbage bags under the main cushion and a nice purple towel on top of the whole pile of doggie beds. He slept with me downstairs in the basement the night before last with the door open and still I found him soaking in urine in the morning. We did better last night though it involved walkies at 10, 11, 1 and 2. I got a little grumpy with him but kept it to myself as best I could especially since I was the one who decided to try sleeping “upstairs”. He was dry as a bone this morning so a minor victory there. 

This should stay dry...

For his first walk this morning I took him off leash down past Dan and Sherie’s and into the park. At the edge of the pool parking lot he stopped while I continued to walk. After I made it half way across the lot, I decided to give and came back to him so we could make the return trip to the house which seemed to be what he was after. It’s easy to project all sorts of meaning into his actions (or lack of actions) these days. I felt as if I were watching a clock unwind with the second hand just moving a bit slower as the spring gave up its momentum.

He ate well last night albeit in two seatings... the first go round he didn’t finish his two patties of Primal dog food (my latest attempt at keeping him interested in food) and kibble but my heart soared when later in the dark of night (somewhere in the midst of the random walkies) I heard the joyous sound of crunching kibble. We managed to eat our medicine this morning (I’m up to 3 Vetmedins and plan on bringing him up to the full 4 starting on Monday.... Imodium standing by for loose poops). He ate some of his breakfast but walked away after a few bites. We’ll see.

Moderate interest...

8PM: It's bed time for now. I'm sure their will be many walks this evening (I've decided to stay "upstairs" again so he can call me with the bells which hang from the front door). 


Final thoughts: leave it to a dog to show you how to be a man.  No matter what fortune throws his way he rebounds. We finished up the evening with a well received dinner, a game of kill the stuffed animal. Dolce vita indeed.

"For me, I hope...."

Life is good... la dolce vita...